Aybody But Me
by irish-smitty
Summary: A new surgeon is transfered to the 4077th, some people don't agree that it's a woman. A rivalry between Dr. Audrey Carter and Hawkeye ensues that brews deep feelings within him he never knew he could have. HP/OC rated M for some adult themes.


Disclaimer: I DO NOT own any of the characters or aything else related to the television show M*A*S*H

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It started out as a seemingly normal day at the good old 4077th M*A*S*H to me. The sun shining through the mosquito netting into our 'Home Sweet Garbage Dump', Frank Burns mumbling sweet nothings to Hot Lips from across the compound in his sleep, and the sweet smell of mud and gin radiating around me. I lay there for a while pondering the previous three or four days of meatball surgery, which were thankfully over and prayed the next three or four days would be peaceful.

I only wish I knew then what I know now. Maybe then I would have gotten a bit of common sense and stopped acting like Sigmund Freuid's wet dream.

I woke up that morning to my wingman, Trapper McIntyre, rifting through my foot locker. I sat up on one arm, cocking an eyebrow down at him waiting for him to see me catching him in the act of breaking and entering. He sifted through a bit more before he finally felt my eyes I the back of his head. He turned toward me and paused to bring out the other martini glass I had stashed away.

"I couldn't find the other one, and I knew you had this one. I'm dying for a bowl of gin and olive cereal." he croaked up at me.

I nodded and pushed myself away from my cot. "I could use one too. In fact, I'll have a double."

"A double? First thing in the morning?" Trapper asked me, mocking surprise. "Of course," I shot back. "It's the most important meal of the day, and I'm going to make it count."

From the other side of the SWAMP, Frank Burns grumbled under his breath at us. We stared at each other for a moment and shrugged as we made our way to the still to get our breakfast.

Again, as we reached the gin machine, Frank grumbled louder. It sounded as though he said "Degenerates." and "Boozers." But we paid him no never mind. Frank Burns was just as bad as a ten year old bully. If he didn't get attention by being a poor excuse for a human being, he couldn't survive.

"Pardon me, Frank." Trapper said casually as he poured my martini. "Are you catching a cold? It sounds like you have some buildup in your throat."

"Yah Frank, we'd be happy to help you clean it out. Or plug it up, whichever sounds better." Of course I was being sarcastic, but that shield was just never enough for the almighty King of the Castle.

"I said you two are nothing but a couple of boozed up degenerates. It's a wonder you ever made it into medical school. Much less became doctors." Frank snapped, sitting straight up in his bed and turning to face us.

As I sipped my morning olive juice, I turned calmly to him and smiled. "I became a doctor to do a service to people. And when doing good turns bad and gets hard to handle it gives me an excuse to drink. It's not that hard to figure out."

"What he said." Trapper agreed, tapping his glass against mine.

Just then Radar O'Reily knocked on the door of our tent and although none of us gave him the word to come in, he entered. His oversized glasses carelessly slid down his nose as he nodded hello to us. "Here are your cases for the day." he said, handing each of us a folder of patient files for us to look over.

"Thank you, Radar. This gives me so much to look forward to. Like the end of my shift." I opened my folders and began to read when I couldn't help but notice that he was staring at me. "Is there something else, or are you falling in love with me?"

"Um, yes, sir." He said, shuffling his feet. "Colonel Blake wants to see you. It's about the new doctor that's coming here."

"New doctor?" Frank said, perking up at the chance to manipulate yet another poor unfortunate soul into his circle of wickedness.

"Yes," Radar replied, still looking at me. "She should be here within the next couple of hours and Colonel Blake-"

"She?" I interrupted, feeling my inner ego swell to the size of a hot air balloon. "The new doctor is a woman? That's pretty rare."

I peeked over to see Frank suddenly looking stern, disapproving, and huffy as usual when he thought something was so out of the ordinary that it shouldn't have ever existed in his lifetime. "A woman doing a man's job." he mumbled, begrudgingly. "If a woman goes into the medical profession, it should be to assist those of us men that do the real work."

"You haven't even met her yet and you're already making judgments" Trapper pointed out. "Trying to fill in your daily quota of snobbishness early today, aren't we Frank?"

"It's just abnormal, that's all I'm saying." Frank said, attempting as hard as he could to defend his usual cloud of smug.

"Any surgeon's gotta be better than you, Frank. So stop attacking her before she has a chance to defend herself" I snapped. Radar stood in the middle of it all, keeping his eyes on me. I took the hint and stood, eager to get away from Frank. I nodded to Trapper and followed Radar over to Henry's office.

As usual, Henry sat in a seemingly severe case of confusion and delirium. He grasped a glass of scotch in one hand and a piece of paper in the other.

"I see we had the same idea for the first meal of the day, Henry." I joked, pulling my robe around me. Henry looked up from the paper at me with one of the most serious faces I'd seen on him. At once, I molded my own into one of content interest.

"Pierce," he began, sternly. "I'm sure you're aware that we're getting a new surgeon. A woman by the name of Captain Audrey Carter."

He paused for a moment, staring at me like he was about to tell me I was going in front of a firing squad. I glanced at Trapper, who looked just as befuddled as I felt.

"Yah. I'm aware of that. What does she have a growth on her neck I'm not supposed to stare at?"

I could tell that none of my clever quips were going to faze Henry at all anymore, so I bit my tongue and played "Attentive 2nd Grader" for him.

"Her name, as I'm sure you know by now, is Audrey Rebecca Carter. Now not a lot of women end up as surgeons but this one has and with flying colors. She's been promoted from Corporal to Captain in less than two years, that's unheard of. I didn't even think it was possible. She's never screwed up a single surgery. She's never lost a patient. She's never had a single sick day. She's one of the top surgeons serving in Korea today and under extreme circumstances she is being assigned here. I know I'm going to get some whining from Frank about having a woman operate instead of assist but I think that even he will feel honored once he's met this woman."

"Have you met her?" Trapper asked, genuinely interested.

"Yes, I have. I met her while I was in Seoul. It was a brief meeting but let me tell you, she's got legs from here to Ja, Ja. And she stands so proudly on them that it made me feel like a two year old wearing his fathers stethoscope for playtime."

In my mind, as I picked up her file from Henry's desk to read, I envisioned Audrey well in my mind. Only a few inches shorter than me at 5'7". I could clearly see her long, brown hair enveloping me on a midnight raid of her tent. I saw myself peering down into her lovely emerald eyes, making her melt like butter in my hands. I was so cocky, thinking I could easily manipulate her into the same web as all of the other nurses. I can't believe how naïve I actually was.

"Now listen, Pierce." Henry broke my fantasies with his fatherly assertiveness. I reluctantly tore my eyes away from Audrey's file to gain eye contact. I felt like I was in high school again getting scolded for sneaking into the girl's locker room.

"You listen too, McIntyre. I've read her recommendations. It's a little…out of the ordinary but apparently she works alone."

"That's gonna be a bit hard, Henry. You know, considering there's other people around." I remarked.

"Well, that's how it has to be." Henry said flatly. "She only works with either one or two nurses, tops. She won't work with other surgeons no matter how hectic things get. I heard that she once threatened to amputate another doctor's hands and sew them back on backwards if he tried assisting again. Now that's all I'm saying for now. She should be arriving within the next few minutes. Radar!"

"Yes, sir?" Radar replied quietly, making Henry jump ten feet in the air. None of us even saw him come in to stand behind him. But it wasn't anything new.

"Ah, yes, Radar. Has Captain Carter's jeep arrived yet?"

"It's pulling up as we speak, sir."

"Alright then. Come on, let's go meet her shall we?"

We all stood and I walked beside Trapper. He and I exchanged a look of morbid amusement. Both of us knew instantly this would be interesting. I just didn't know how much.


End file.
